How To Tell if your Friend is a Vampire

 You may NEVER know if you are expecting the Hollyweird versions you see in tv and movies. Just like crackheads, they could be anyone; your mail carrier, doctor, lawyer (well, that's a given), manicurist,cat, garbage man.

That's not real!!  FauxVamp Poser

The clues are subtle.  It took me years to discover that my best childhood friend was one.  Her family was very close knit and they were very proud of their last name--Mangia. We'd laugh about how that meant maneater in Italian. We would play that Hall & Oats song over and over. Did Anouk gnash her teeth a bit when we danced to it? Yes, but who DIDN'T have an overbite back then.

Anouk's mother used to clean the house in her housecoat and slippers saying, "The mangiuomini will wipe away the maledaemon's souls!" If Anouk HAD a Dad, I never saw him.

Anouk Mangia always volunteered for local blood drives. I never thought anything of it, because she said she was earning her community service girl scout badges. Thinking back, she would be pale as a ghost at the beginning and rosy red like a fat tick by the end. She would say it made her overheat being around all that fear and fainting.

My Friend Anouk at Girl Scout Camp

It wasn't until I met a dear friend I will only call, Marla, that I made the heme-connection. Marla had a very odd obsession with blood. She talked about red blood cells like they were a forbidden lover. She viewed the world through blood-colored glasses, which made sense once I learned she worked in a blood bank saving lives.

 It wasn't long before she confessed that she was in fact a vampire. Dealing with matters of life and death seems fitting for an immortal. I wasn't really surprised. She has always had a translucent glow about her, along with great command of her pupils. At parties she would often show how she could enlarge and reduce them on command.

And then there was the fact that she collected teeth--SHARP teeth. She claimed they were shark teeth, but now I believe they are 'trophies' from her werewolf kills. You always felt her gush with pride when she posted them on Facebook.

 She had also come up with this cover story about being abducted by aliens to explain her amazing ability to heal from deadly wounds, and her vast knowledge of history. She claimed aliens "Xeroxed" her which turned her into some kind of living library. Among the vast warehouse of memorized documents inside her head was this resume of Count Dracula.https://www.pinterest.com/pin/399131585700213218/

My Friend Marla

I was surprised at how candid she was when I asked her some questions:

Did you personally know Count Dracula? I only met him once, but I knew him as Prince Vlad. He was such a nice guy--charming, quiet, and noble. He was only vicious when provoked. Back then I was into bad boys, so I declined when he invited me back to his box of earth.

Marlapire BEFORE her morning blood

Marlapire AFTER her morning blood

When did you realize you were a vampire?  Momma always used to slap my hands in the kitchen 'cause I'd grab bites of raw meat.


How does it feel to be immortal? That's like asking, "How does it feel to breath?" I don't remember being anything else. Vampires are forever. It does have moments of boredom, but since I am the world's oldest teenager,  I try to stay amused.

Marla disproving the theory that Pires Can't be Photographed

Does sucking people's blood bother you? Only when it's a friend, co-worker, or beloved pet. There are ways to avoid that though; the key is to never let yourself get dehydrated. 

There is, in fact, an underground vampcampaign to educate pires about this problem. Low blood levels (Hypoglobinemia) causes aggression, hallucinations, and impulsivity. If you maintain your regular intake, it isn't hard to resist draining your friends.

Do you think this is related to your abduction claims? Good question. My experiences on Mars suppressed/exacerbated different aspects of my blood lust. I became what would today be called a vegan, and slept fitfully thru the night. 

Since I haven't visited the home world in eons, I've resumed eating raw meat and added sashimi and oysters to my diet. I barely sleep now; nighttime is when I am most *creative* and I have to wear a night guard when I do sleep. 

My dentist had to construct an exceptionally reinforced one, as I tend to chew thru them.

(Marla informed me that it is politically correct in the pire community to call non-pires "Non-Pales")

Do your non-pale friends fear you in any way? 

 Indeed. But that is always attributed to the fact I am a New Yorker. It's easy to blend in there. Being from Brooklyn is part of it, but in truth, I'm a savage. They SHOULD fear me. 

Listen, I'll make it easy for you.  The tell-tale signs of a vampire: 

*Their names starts with or ends with an "M"
* they always have some kind of 'party trick' up their sleeve that breaks the ice
* they gravitate to healthcare jobs, especially those who deal with self-injury /cutting behavior
*they are VERY neurotic about proper language. If someone is always correcting your grammar, tense, etc., you can be sure they are a pire.

What advice would you give to a non-pale who befriends a pire?
  Number 1 rule:

 (and this doesn't just apply to vampire friends. Some of the biggest vampires are those who eat 'loosh' or life force. They can drain your energy and you won't even know it)

 And on the upside: