Oscar Meyer Markets New Bologna For Singles

Vegan version to be released soon: So Lonely Phoney Bologna

Online Dating Success Stories!

BEWARE: If You've Eaten Chinese Food You're Practicing Witchcraft!!!

Fengshai is particularly dangerous! 

If you know what it is, let me know, and avoid it! 

(I think Feng Shui is still fine)

If you are involved in reading this list of paranoid superstitions written by (name withheld), 

then you are a witch--

Step away from the cauldron!

26 Reasons You Want to Go to Jail in Norway

Norwegian maximum-security prisons are being called "cushy", "luxurious" and "like camp". Inmates are free to roam outdoor gardens, cook in fully stocked kitchens, enjoy the flat-screen televisions, mini-fridges and computers in each cell. 

They have access to a rock climbing wall, recording studio and other amenities rivaling an expensive American hotel. Murder? Rape? Bombing? your punishment is to fish and great a great tan on our beach! 

(https://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/29/maga ... rison.html)
(https://www.theguardian.com/society/201 ... n-in-world

Here are 26 Reasons You Want to Go to Jail in Norway

1.Prison riots involve playful pillow fights

2.Low recidivism rate of Norwegian inmates raises odds of American tourists getting off the waitlist

3.Get henna tattoos

4.Get in the best shape of your life without country club fees

5.Launder your high thread count sheets and thirsty towels

6.Demand heated toilet seats be fixed on feedback forms

7.Leave prison with more career skills than an Ivy League graduate

8.Lockdown means the snack cabinet is padlocked after 9pm

9.The only handcuffs are fuzzy ones in the romantic getaway chalet

10.Rigorous schedule for rapists to practice consensual sex

11.The only penalties are breaking a pinky swear

12.Audition for prison plays like “Jailhouse Rock” and “West Side Story”

13.Earn merit badges for serving soft time

14.No need to join, you're already one of the gang

15.Soap on a rope is Coconut Salt Scrub and an exfoliating body brush

16.Climb walls for fun without risk of rope burn from escape attempts

17.Kids go home after visits giving you time to catch up on reading

18.Get dessert if you eat all of your broccoli

19.Fishing, swimming and laying on the beach gives you plenty of time to think about what you’ve done

20.Earn privileges by saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’

21.No gangs just teams on game night

22.Airbnb your room to people trying to break in

23.The only life sentences are the ones you solve on Wheel of Fortune

24.Bed checks have turndown service

25.The only weapons are irresistible charm and pouting

26.Get great selfies while having tea in the garden

27.Attend festive going away parties on release dates

28.Receive parting gifts like a t-shirt that says “I survived maximum-security prison and I can make a mean souffle!”

Pumpkin Man Imposter in Chicago!!

Someone posing as the viral sensation known as #dancingpumpkinman  danced his way into the arms of the security guard as he kicked him out of the local library.

This didn't stop him. He was determined to follow in his mentor's absurd footsteps.

When asked by the homeless man he performed for what he was doing, he gave a nod to his pumpkin mentor, "To spread the love of dance."

Love him. Hate him. Call the video "Cancerous content" or not, this guy has balls the size of pumpkins and anyone that doesn't appreciate that should not go to the library next year.

The original dancing pumpkin (  https://youtu.be/v4IC7qaNr7I )has not commented on his Chicago Disciple, but I bet behind his pumpkin head he is smiling and cringing just a little.

Always Source your Facebook Posts!

It is very important to back up your status updates with data, statistics, facts, sources, references, and supporting evidence.

American Psychological Association (APA):

fuck you. (n.d.). The Dictionary of American Slang. Retrieved July 27, 2017 from Dictionary.com website http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you

Chicago Manual Style (CMS):

fuck you. Dictionary.com. The Dictionary of American Slang. http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you (accessed: July 27, 2017).

Modern Language Association (MLA):

"fuck you". The Dictionary of American Slang. 27 Jul. 2017. <Dictionary.com http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you>.

Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers (IEEE):

Dictionary.com "fuck you," in The Dictionary of American Slang. Source location: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you. Available: http://www.dictionary.com/. Accessed: July 27, 2017.

BibTeX Bibliography Style (BibTeX)

@article {Dictionary.com2017,
    title = {The Dictionary of American Slang},
    month = {Jul},
    day = {27},
    year = {2017},
    url = {http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you},
}

Racist Rant!

This is a dramatic reading 

of a racist rant of a

14 year old

teen we are calling 

"Fuck 12"

"Fuck all races"

*The opinions expressed are not 

those of #TheTelepathTelegraph, 

nor do we condone them;

however in the spirit of full disclosure,

we do find Fuck 12 amusing.