Oscar Meyer Markets New Bologna For Singles

Vegan version to be released soon: So Lonely Phoney Bologna

In the South, fortune cookies tell it like it is

Looking for a Vegetable?

Are you looking for a partner that loves salad as much as you do? 

Finally a dating app that matches people based on salad science!  

Love is in the leaf!

The creators have proven that the secret to lasting relationships, is in the salad toppings! 

What are YOUR deal breakers--bacon bits? blue cheese dressing? croutons?

Don't be a lonely vegetable anymore-find another vegetable at Salad Match!!

http://saladmatch.com/

Just Salad created this genius app, so soon you should be able to find dating apps associated with every retail business

 i.e. McDMate, Raysdinerdate, PetCoCuties, WalgreensWinners, MichelinMatch 

Is it just me, or is this Just Salad promotion offensive? 

Stumped for Christmas Gift Ideas?

Here are just a few of the best gift ideas for 2015.  But FIRST, lets start with the  gifts you should avoid.

Yes, it's the thought that counts, but sometimes it is the thoughtlessness that  is obvious when a generic gift is given.

TAKE IT BACK if you bought:

1. a coffee cup--I don't care how funny you think the slogan is, this is a lame gift
2. a candle
3. Rando bath and body products
4. Box O Chocolates
5. $10 Gift Card to a store that has nothing under $25--thanks for the present, but you now cost me!
6. Dress Socks
7. perfume samples from a magazine
8. golf tees
9. a photo calendar of you and your arrogant ugly family--seriously, cuter than kittens? I don't think so
10. Any shit from Starbucks

Gifting Don't!

So you are at the mall, hoping it isn't one targeted by terrorists, wondering--what the hell should I get that person that I don't give a damn about? Why am I risking my life for someone who talks about themself in third-person?Why?  Because we don't want to look like dicks.

So what DO you give?  Try some of these great suggestions! These are great for grab bags and Secret Santas too!

1.  Try some fur sunglasses! Self-explanatory--these are sway

 an option for those who want a more masculine fur style:

2. Limited Edition  CD by The Naughty List Bitches (also available in 8track and cassette)

3.  Knitted Shorts--these aren't your grandma's knitted christmas gifts! (unless your grandma is super cool)

4.  Gift Card to a Local Laundromat

One-Month Laundry Gift Card ($175)

Special Discount Gift Certificates

  

• Covers One (1) Month worth of Hassle Free Laundry: Biweekly Service.
• Ideal Gift for Students, Elderly Parents, Busy Wives, Loved Ones, and and Busy Professionals.
• Covers Two Free Laundry Service Pick Ups + Two Free Deliveries in One Month.
• Each Gift Card entitles the purchaser to fill One 24" X 36" Laundry Bag full of Laundry Items.
• Weight not exceeding 25 pounds per Service PickUp & Delivery.
• Additional Weight will be computed at $1.95 per pound.
• Cannot be combined with other promotions.
• Purchaser has read and agrees to the Terms of Service. 

5. Camel Toe Tattoo
   

6.  Chocolate Sharks

Chocolate Cookies Cups (they can get their own milk)

7.

  

8. A solar bra that can power your ipod. Support the environment and your breasts at the same time!

  

The bras also come equipped with plastic pouches that can be filled with water, or possibly egg nog

If you don't want to spend ANY money, do what I do--I give gifts in jars like this:

I like this one because I can take old Halloween candy and whatever else i have laying around, tie some string around it, put a cute little phrase or note on it, and I'm done.  Such as, a mason jar of jello that says, "Santa's Belly" or a cake recipe with ingredients that says "It's snowflaky!"

 You don't even have to put in actual food ingredients. One year I used sand and no one noticed because they never used it.  NOT My Problem!!

I hope you have found this helpful!  Have any tips? Send in your Christmas life hacks to TTT!

Spooks Psychic Cafe Busted for Hiring Illegal Aliens!!

Spooks Psychic Cafe, in Havant, Hampshire, is embroiled in scandal once again.  

 

Spooks' owner, known only as Z, first made the news when the grammar police (the retired English teachers at the yarn shop) complained that their sign promoted bad grammar and reflected badly on the neighborhood.  

 

Lovely Cotton Brain created by the Havant Competitive Knitters Association

 

 

 

The elderly women at "The Knitpik" demanded the sign be written correctly for fear the spookers were promoting illiteracy. (I personally find it a bit hypocritical, given the misspelling of Knitpik, but that's neither here nor scare.) 

Z told reporters, "I will NOT be bullied into using an apostrophe. They indicate possessiveness, and we do not get involved in possession of any kind."   

 

 

But what DO they get involved in at this unusual cafe? 

 

https://sites.google.com/site/witchumum/home

 

Here is what their menu says:

 

  MENU

We first opened for business in XXXX and have been serving Havant ever since.

We offer many kinds of food, such as X, and larger dishes such as Y.

Why not stop by and give them a try?

The matter with the knitpikers resolved brilliantly once they tasted Spooks incredible HL Tea. They passed on the tarot and decided it was best not to inquire about the ingredients of HL Tea.  

Yet, Spooks faces a new problem. Z is being investigated for allegedly hiring illegal aliens. It is rumored, her very psychic workers, are undocumented greys who slipped through the BardoLand Border.  

Many visitors to the cafe were shocked to hear this as they couldn't believe they served food!

 

 It is rumored that this one-time patron met with untold misfortune after giving this 1 star review:

 

What Charlie didn't realize apparently, was that had he gone through the black velvet curtains in the back of the cafe marked "Our Food is to Die For!!," he would have been served a heaping helping of X or Y by Z!   

Only psychic people and/or victims of government mind control  are able to find the velvet curtain for some reason.  Others get scammed out of their pounds and have implants put in their heads without their knowledge.  

 

 

 The cafe has been accused of exploiting the grey aliens with long hours and low pay. Z provided evidence showing that she does NOT in fact PAY the big-eyed busboys,waitstaff, cooks, and surgical techs. 

 

 The illegals work on a volunteer basis in exchange for human implantation privileges.  Long hours are also not a problem as they require no sleep. 

 

   It appears that Spooks Psychic Cafe will once again dodge a bullet. Business has been better than ever since they introduced their Tea, Tarot, Time Travel, and Tamale special.

Move Over Edible Underwear!!!!

" Necessity created these Mothers' invention."
 "Cook it and they will come."
 These are clever slogans for a hot new product called, "Sauceings™."

 Much to the horror of militant vegans and vegetarians, a trend from WWII is making a comeback--edible (faux) stockings.

During WWII, nylon manufacturer DuPont, was producing nylon parachutes, cords and rope, instead of stockings. This led to scarcity and a thriving black market for the leg shaping fashion must. 1939 fashion dictated stockings  with seams down the back.

In a stroke of pure genius, women innovated and began drawing the seams on with various substances such as brown gravy.  It is no surprise that a nation of obese people find food fashion very appealing.

From a humanitarian perspective, could this potentially solve the dual-fold problem of world hunger and lack of trendy clothing in third world countries?

We've all heard of edible underwear such as this yummy gummy panty, but the edible food arena isn't just for dessert anymore.

Check out these savory ideas:

  http://www.delish.com/food/g1934/food-fashion/?

 

Sauceings™ come as a complete meal kit with meatloaf, mashed potatoes, brown gravy, wet naps, a paintbrush, a ruler, and an instruction booklet in Chinese with step-by-by step instructions on how to draw  faux seams.

 It's a DIY project you can wrap your tongue around! For more info, visit Sauceings.com and use the code TELEPATH  for a 20% discount on your first order!

Fast Food Giant Piloting "McBrains" in States that Rank Lowest for Literacy!

McDonalds sales have been steadily declining making some wonder if Ronald might be hanging up his clown shoes soon. In an effort to revive the company, they are offering McBrains for a limited time only in limited markets. Which markets? In states that consisently score low for literacy.

 It is believed that lack of protein could be the cause of poor reading skills in these areas. It is also a widespread belief that eating brains increases intelligence. No word on where they will be sourcing their brains, but since when do McD frequent fliers question where that tasty food comes from?

 The McBrain meal will include a McBrain sandwich (with or without cheese), special sauce, small fries and a soda. You can  choose if you want grey matter from the right or left hemisphere.

McD Execs joked, "You'll love it! But then, that was a no brainer."

Great New Diet Fad-Eat Like a Poor Person!!

What's hot in Hollywood? Pretending to be poor! The The Huffington Post­ explains that Celebrity Chef Mario Batali, has posed a challenge to many celebrities inspired by his work with the NYC Food Bank (#FoodbankNYCChallenge). Although it involves something edible, it is not the ice bucket challenge.

The lovely and willowy Gweneth Paltrow has decided to take him up on his challenge to live like a Food Stamp Star. To raise awareness to the issue of hunger, she will live for 7 days on $1.38 per meal. She posted a photo of what she purchased with her food stamp allotment. I wonder if she had to trade in her pride for a spot in line at the crusty food stamp office. And will she be wearing Goodwill clothes during this week?
She purchased a typical Whole Foods' shopper assortment of: limes, cilantro, corn, whole grain brown rice and eggs. While this is a noble idea, this sounds like more of a reality show challenge than a philanthropic effort. Unequal distribution of wealth in the richest country on earth is the reason hunger and poverty exist. Sports stars and celebrities' exorbitant income are part of the problem; our country has misplaced priorities.
Wouldn't Gwenyth be better off donating her money to the cause, rather than turning it into a cute publicity stunt? It makes a mockery of what is a very harsh reality for many people. If she were truly living this lifestyle, she would be buying cheap and filling food such as: pork & beans, peanut butter, and Ramen Noodles, which barely even qualify as a food substance. Certainly organic is out of the question.
No doubt on day 8, Gwenyth will be sipping expensive wine, eating foie gras and truffles, proud of herself for getting in touch with the little people. The 'poor people' are always the 'other'. No one ever thinks it could be them, yet everyone is potentially one paycheck away from the 'poorhouse'. Tragedy and unforeseen circumstances do not discriminate.
Next time you see one of 'those' people, just ask yourself, “What would Gwenyth do?” Go and get them some whole wheat brown rice and organic produce. Better yet-get them a big can of cracked wheat and let them grind it into flour to make their own bread. Sounds realistic, right? That would really stretch that $29 per person budget. And if they want to do the Ice Bucket Challenge, I believe ice IS covered by food stamps.

FOLLOW UP: In a NOT so surprising development, Gwenyth has FAILED the food stamp challenge. She made it about 4 days on what worked out to be 1,000 calories a day. She wrote this on her blog, GOOP,"I personally broke and had some chicken and fresh vegetables (and in full transparency, half a bag of black licorice)." She was also spotted at an $80 a plate barbeque restaurant. Do you think she had some week-old bread and gubbment cheese with that? More like $40 a pound Gorau Glas cheese-well beyond a food stamp budget.