Worst Fashion Ideas for a First Date

Can't ever get that second date? These are some style choices you might want to avoid:

The "Five Minute Full Disclosure Method", invented by Anne O'Connor, has not been successful.

This might appeal to a certain demographic, but probably not the one you want.

Attention grabber for sure, but wrong on a lot of levels.

Honesty is great, but you might want to wait to wear it until you are showing.

Hopefully this advice helps you get to that second date at the Walmart Subway.

OR

 if you aren't feeling your date, these might be the BEST choices for you.

Get Down and Dirty when you are Dating!!

Why waste time on other dating sites that match you based on compatibility? Why not cut to the chase with  

OH SO FAMOUS SHAME US DATE?

A very simple survey will allow you to state your absolute bottom line. We ask the question:

"If you were oh so famous and/or were running for political office, what dirt would come out about you?"

You might think, "Well, I really don't know."

No worries! When you subscribe to 

Oh So Famous Shame Us Date

 we will give you the celebrity treatment and uncover it all--with a scandalous spin!!

Our team of investigators will go back as far as grade school and find ANYTHING they could potentially sell to the tabloids (and they still might if it is really juicy).

Our simple survey allows members to rate their tolerance for various transgressions and are matched accordingly!

Here is a brief sample of our questionnaire:

     Please rate the following randomly extracted details of member profiles, on a scale of 1 - 5--
1 being  
"I might be desperate, but this shit is deal breaker" 

and 5 being 
"I have run out of options, this isn't that bad"

Stalked someone

Pushed a kid into the Tiger exhibit

Dealt drugs and didn't share profits

Believes in aliens

Made a sex tape with their dog

Ate monkey brains

Frequently craps their pants

have a child with no idea who the father is 

many women  claim their child is yours

dead beat Dad or Mom

Conspiracy Theorist (like pack for the bunker)

extreme couponer

severe untreated mental illness 

Laughed at people with disabilities

(in private OR public)

Mom comes first

ran with scissors, knives, guns

warrant out for their arrest

Lied on a resume

covered up a crime

left someone on scene

hoarder

Gold digger

prostitution

member of the KKK

pimping

Facial tattoos

Gained 100lbs in the past year

Bottom of the barrel and half way up members joining daily! No half full barrels here!

SIGN UP TODAY !

Go to: http://www.ohsofamousshameusdate.org

Dating Bad....

Looking for a BAD BOY a.k.a. Alpha Male to hunt you some wild boar?

 The more things change, the more they stay the same. 

Cave women and berry hunters, dominant men might be all wrong for you, but you just KNOW you can transform Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right right?

Grind away at that lump of coal and in a couple of decades you might have a cubic zirconia!!

At ECONmony, you can find your perfectly wrong match with the con-man of your bad dreams. 

After all, what is better than a bad boy? a REFORMED bad boy!!

You will have hours of fun changing him into the law abiding, supportive, teddy bear of a man  you know he is under all that mean, coldness, and selfishness!

Men like project cars, women like project men!

Meet your fears, disappointments, frustrations, dashed hopes and expectations at E CONmony!

Get started now. A brief 3 question survey is all we need to match you with someone completely inappropriate for you on all levels!!

Let the fun begin!!!

Looking for a Vegetable?

Are you looking for a partner that loves salad as much as you do? 

Finally a dating app that matches people based on salad science!  

Love is in the leaf!

The creators have proven that the secret to lasting relationships, is in the salad toppings! 

What are YOUR deal breakers--bacon bits? blue cheese dressing? croutons?

Don't be a lonely vegetable anymore-find another vegetable at Salad Match!!

http://saladmatch.com/

Just Salad created this genius app, so soon you should be able to find dating apps associated with every retail business

 i.e. McDMate, Raysdinerdate, PetCoCuties, WalgreensWinners, MichelinMatch 

Is it just me, or is this Just Salad promotion offensive? 

Conversation Starters for the Socially Challenged

Do you freeze up and get fuddle-tongued when talking to the opposite sex?  Here are some sure fire ways to get a conversation going.

You ask, "Do you believe in unicorns?"
If they say 'yes' you say, "Me too! I saw one once."
If they say ' no ' you still say, "Me too! I saw one once."

Here is another conversation stimulator:

WARNING: contains sexual language and poor taste

You say, "Do you believe the man should pay or should they go Dutch?"
They say, "Yes, definately. "
You say, "Me too!"
If they say no you say, "I think if a woman pays for herself, she should agree to only suck half his dick."

If you have your eyes set on a trophy wife or husband, this script will get you to the finish line at Olympic speed:

You say, "Hi. I might be ugly, but I'm really rich and powerful."
They say, "I'm in."

You say, "Awesome,I have about 10 weddings and a class reunion coming up. You can be my plus one!"
They say, "Awesome, I love wedding chicken."

OR

You say, "Hi. I might be ugly, but I'm really rich and powerful."
They say, "No amount of money could make you appealing."

You say, "See you on the pole bitch." if female,

OR

 "Barbie called, she wants her Ken back--  dick"
if male

So for all you undateables out there, keep these gems in your wallet or purse.
 Practice until you sound natural.
Don't worry if you don't read the script verbatim.
Feel free to improvise.
Most importantly:   DON'T BE YOURSELF !!!!!!! YOU CAN DO THAT LATER ONCE YOU HOOK THEM~~~

More tips and tricks on the way soon!!!!

Single? Lonely? Not As Much As You Think!

Psychics have been asked for centuries, "When will I meet THE one?" Many psychics assure them that there is someone for everyone and that they will definately NOT be alone.

Months and months go by and they have not found anyone special.  

How do you tell them the truth?

By truth I do NOT mean that they are destined to be alone!!!

The TRUTH is that quite often someone who is 'single' is actually in a relationship with a being on another planet!!

Mr. & Mrs Right ? Travel through white light?

9 out of 10 times this is the case. Often these are very sacred relationships that may or may not involve actual marriage, depending on the laws of their home planet.

But Some people continue to be caught in the trap of picking the 'bad boys' or 'bad girls' , but the appeal is a LOT harder to  find.

Bad News--Bust Out E.T. Loser

How to know if you are dating an E.T.? 

1. You have never been married and have no kids
2. Your skin glows a light shade of green under black light
3. You wake up in the middle of the night, often at one hour intervals
4. You sometimes wake up feeling a deep connection to someone you dreamed about 
5. you sometimes feel pregnant when you know you aren't

 These COULD be your inlaws!But don't worry--star inlaws tend to give people their space.

What does this also mean? Yes, you most likely have MULTIPLE children on your true loves' planet!This is in part so that the children have dual-citizenship.

Mom?

WARNING:  The following photos MAY trigger memories that you may not be ready to deal with.

 If you have a strong reaction to any of these images, you are probably a CPS: Cross-Planetary Spouse.

(Hetero and Homosexual are not categories recognized by most other androgynous planets)

Lunchtime Rendevous

I really don't know what i did wrong!

Sweeps you off your feet

Looks at you with those intense eyes

So what do you tell friends and family? Just tell them you are in a long distance relationship with someone who travels a lot.

Your partner most likely has shapeshifting abilities, so can take human form when neccesary, but they tend to be shy around humans.

So check that 'in a relationship' box on Facebook and have a happily ever after!

Why you Want your Daughter to Marry a Pirate

 If your kids like clean-cut banker types, it's time to start 'stearing' them in a different direction. Why your daughter should marry a pirate instead? Here are the perks: 

1.  share hair ties and make up
2. Hygiene becomes irrelevant
3. Always a view of the water
4. they are bad boys, but good providers
5. Always be bejeweled in Gold and Silver
6.  they are adventurous
7. Acquire and live in multiple residences
8. become a  Pastafarian  and member of The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and eat all the carbs you want!  Find more info at:  http://www.venganza.org/
9. they love pets i.e. parrots and thieving monkeys
10. liquid assets
11. you can wear Cool Viking hats (Vikings were pirates)
12. Brave-- will sword fight, lose limbs, even eyes for you
13. Potential for space travel (there are space pirates who capture and pillage spaceships)
 14. protect you against sea ninjas ( they are arch enemies)
15. learn pirate speak (very popular at parties)

Pirate Lingo, Phrases

• Ahoy - A pirate greeting, or a shout to attract an attention. Something like "Hello!" or "Yo!".
• Arrr, Arrgh, Yarr, Gar - A common pirate terms, which are used in different situations.
• Avast - An order to stop and pay attention.
• Aye - "Yes"
• Aye aye - Conformation, taking order from the captain.
• Belay - Usually means to tie something down but pirates used it to prevent someone to do something.
• Booty – The treasures and other values plundered from the victim ships.
• Bucko - A friend.
• Davy Jones's Locker - A graveyard for people killed or drowned at the sea.
• Dead men tell no tales - Means that a dead man cannot reveal any secret or fact. It was the reason why the pirates didn't like to spare any survivors.
• I'll Crush Ye Barnacles - A common pirate's treat.
• Jolly Roger - The well-known pirate flags, usually represented with symbols of a skull and the crossbones. The most recognized symbol of the pirates.
• Lad - A younger person.
• Letters of Marquee - A document issued by a government, which allowed the privateers and the buccaneers to legally attack the ships and the colonies of an enemy nation.
• Maroon - To leave prisoners on island or desert coast.
• Matey - A companion, a close friend.
• Prize - A ship captured by pirates.
• Savvy - "Do you understand?"
• Sea Rover - A pirate, a pirate ship.
• Shiver me timbers - idiom for surprise, shock. Usually used when a ship is hit in combat.
• Smartly - To do something quickly.
• Sweet trade - Another term for the trade of piracy.
• Walk the plank - When someone is forced to walk on a plank, with hands tied behind. Plank is extended over the side of a ship, and victim is usually forced to jump to water and drown. Shown today as main pirates' amusement, although only a few real pirates practiced that.
• Weigh anchor - "let's go", "get ready to sail on".
• Yo-ho-ho - Salutation, expression of delight. 

 So smartly grab yourself a pirate and say Yo-ho-ho as your daughter walks down the plank and searches the sea for buried treasure so you can retire wealthy!! Best retirement plan ever!!!

The Movie, "Why you Want your Daughter to Marry A Pirate" is being released in the Fall. It is a documentary of my daughter and her exciting adventures and marriage to Fish Breath Pablo!

On the Set of "Why You Want Your Daughter to Marry a Pirate" waiting for the catering truck

The World According to the Nice-ish Guy PART III

This is Part III  in a series on the male perspective from a group of hand-selected, self-identified Nice-ish guys. (Nice-ish means they are on the Nice to Asshole (their words not mine) continuum).

'
These are the in-depth questions I asked them:

1. Do you believe nice guys finish last?
2. Do you think most men are pigs?
3. Do you resent or think most women like to date jerks?
4. Do you feel nice guys are taken advantage of?
5. Do you think it is better to be nice, or would you rather be a dick?
6. Would other people agree that you are a nice guy?
7. Would you rather be respected or liked?
8. Are you drawn to bitches and un-nice women?
9. Do you equate or think people take niceness for weakness?
10. Any other thoughts you would like to share (but please keep it brief)
    
    (Answers to the first two questions are the subject in Part II of this series.)
    
    

    

    
    
     3. Do you resent or think most women like to date jerks? 
    
    a) No, but most of us are
    
    b) No, I don't resent women, but I do believe a lot of women seem to seek out the 'bad boy', then ask Why? when it falls apart. I've found women say , "You're really nice, but I need something else." When you act evasive and non-committal, women seem to chase you.  The female ego looking to reassure themselves they are valued and desired; esp. mid 30s and divorced women.
    
    c) "And what so poor a man as Hamlet is may do, to express his love and friending to you, God willing, shall not lack."
    
    d)I don't care what most women do; I'm interested in a very small percentage of them.
    
    e)I resent women who try to use sex/love/attraction to get what they want. Jerks keep women entertained. Nice can be predictable. I think women bore of nice guys. They like "bad boys" because regular guys bore chix.
    f)Women are as different as plants, no two are the same. What they are attracted to varies by individual.
    g)YES NO
    
     4. Do you feel nice guys are taken advantage of?
    
    a)Yes. By Women Especially and life to a lesser degree
    
    b)Nice guys are taken advantage of because they allow it
    
    c) nice guys are players only they try to pull women in by getting them to feel sorry for them.  They let themselves get taken advantage of hoping they can create guilt and pity
    
    d)yes, we just want to have fun too
    
    e) People DO take advantage of nice guyz so it's wise to keep an open mind to peoples' motives. Women love nice guys as emotional support and unwittingly lead them on to keep them interest enough to stay around, but still keep them at arms length
    
    5. Do you think it is better to be nice, or would you rather be a dick?
    
    a) Usually NG overlook the B.S. until they can't take it anymore and then have to become a dick
    
    b)I'd rather be nice. Dicks attract dicks
    
    c)be nice
    
    d)I think it is best to be a bit of both
    
    e)I'd rather be myself. How I react to people varies from person to person
    
     6. Would other people agree that you are a nice guy?
    
    a)50/50. I call people on bullshit so...
    
    b)Most would agree I'm nice, but people who cross me or my family or bully people I know wouldn't say so. I can be nice, but I'm not weak
    
    c)No
    
    d)The people that really know me think I'm a nice guy. I'm too odd/honest for many people sometimes so I might seem like a dick, aloof, or just too weird
    
    e)Some people think I'm nice, some people think I'm an asshole. Most likely people would have various takes on me. Our interactions differ from person to person
    
    P.S. Hamlet dropped out of this survey by this point--just after question 2B 
    
     7. Would you rather be respected or liked?
    
    a) Respected. I really don't think about what others think. I don't care really, but I can say there are people who think I'm an asshole, but still respect me
    
    b)Respected. Respect is earned based on actions. Liked is based usually on persona. Reputation, community,  work place standing, and reputations are made of a 100 rumors and one lie. People who like you may do so for their own personal gain
    
    c)Respected  R-E-S-P-E-C-T
    
    d)Respected
    
    e)Respected
    
    8. Are you drawn to bitches or Nice-ish women?
    
    a)no. I avoid drama queens, people who exhibit narcissistic behavior, and people with borderline tendencies
    
    b)I seem to, but made a conscious decision to base attraction on the contents of heart and mind, not what's contained in bra and knickers. I've found the vain, attractive (in my younger years) women tend to base their self worth on looks, so they can be spiteful to other women they see as a threat. They usually have no substance
    
    c)yup
    
    d)not particularly
    
    e)Naw, but I'm a magnet for bitches and whores
    
    9. Do you equate or think people take niceness for weakness?
    
    a) The world we live in, yes!
    
    b)yes. People see niceness as a weakness, but I find it to be a great strength in the face of evil. To break the cycle of revenge takes great courage and conviction. Doing the right thing can be hard
    
    c)Niceness and weakness are two different things. They are not related to each other
    d)Sometimes yes. People confuse having boundaries with being a dick. My lens might be bad though. My wife used to complain she thought I was a dick, but the nicer I became, the bitchier SHE became toward ME. Nice didn't work fo her. Women say they want nice guys but seem to ultimately want a hot exciting guy. That seems to be first priority followed by money, then love and trust. A powerful charismatic guy trumps the nicest average guy in the wold. Woman who say they prefer the nice guy only say that because they don't think they can pull the hot guy 
    
    e)yes
    
    10. Any other thoughts you would like to share (but please keep it brief)
    
    a)Please be kind and remember to rewind!
    
    b)Guys who say they are nice are usually manipulative by nature. I don't know a SINGLE nice guy who would say he is nice. Nice people don't think that way or need that kind of feedback
    
    A final contributor had this to say on the topic in general:
    
    "I am a human being of the male persuasion."