26 Reasons You Want to Go to Jail in Norway

Norwegian maximum-security prisons are being called "cushy", "luxurious" and "like camp". Inmates are free to roam outdoor gardens, cook in fully stocked kitchens, enjoy the flat-screen televisions, mini-fridges and computers in each cell. 

They have access to a rock climbing wall, recording studio and other amenities rivaling an expensive American hotel. Murder? Rape? Bombing? your punishment is to fish and great a great tan on our beach! 

(https://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/29/maga ... rison.html)
(https://www.theguardian.com/society/201 ... n-in-world

Here are 26 Reasons You Want to Go to Jail in Norway

1.Prison riots involve playful pillow fights

2.Low recidivism rate of Norwegian inmates raises odds of American tourists getting off the waitlist

3.Get henna tattoos

4.Get in the best shape of your life without country club fees

5.Launder your high thread count sheets and thirsty towels

6.Demand heated toilet seats be fixed on feedback forms

7.Leave prison with more career skills than an Ivy League graduate

8.Lockdown means the snack cabinet is padlocked after 9pm

9.The only handcuffs are fuzzy ones in the romantic getaway chalet

10.Rigorous schedule for rapists to practice consensual sex

11.The only penalties are breaking a pinky swear

12.Audition for prison plays like “Jailhouse Rock” and “West Side Story”

13.Earn merit badges for serving soft time

14.No need to join, you're already one of the gang

15.Soap on a rope is Coconut Salt Scrub and an exfoliating body brush

16.Climb walls for fun without risk of rope burn from escape attempts

17.Kids go home after visits giving you time to catch up on reading

18.Get dessert if you eat all of your broccoli

19.Fishing, swimming and laying on the beach gives you plenty of time to think about what you’ve done

20.Earn privileges by saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’

21.No gangs just teams on game night

22.Airbnb your room to people trying to break in

23.The only life sentences are the ones you solve on Wheel of Fortune

24.Bed checks have turndown service

25.The only weapons are irresistible charm and pouting

26.Get great selfies while having tea in the garden

27.Attend festive going away parties on release dates

28.Receive parting gifts like a t-shirt that says “I survived maximum-security prison and I can make a mean souffle!”

In the South, fortune cookies tell it like it is

Hottest New Comic since Sinbad!

Life Hacks in a World with no Technology

And now a word from our sponsors...... wave your magic wand

Feeling Low?More Cow Bell!!

Shia LaBeef motivational pre-trick-or-treating speech and warm up!!!

Don't You Hate it When...

You go to get gas and the gas station holds you hostage??

yeah, me too

Went to get gas and his bracelet got stuck in the gas cover or whatever you call it. The only way he could have gotten unstuck alone would be if he could reach the release valve!

How to Have Fun with your HedgeHog!!!

If you think having a pet with painful spikes that give you a rash and hisses at you constantly is an awesome idea, then you are not alone.

But what do you actually DO with a hedgehog?

Sure they like to run on their wheels and get their heads stuck in paper towel rolls, but how can you play with them?

Here is the perfect idea sent to me by our Telepath Content Coordinator:

 Take your Hedgie to the indoor swimming pool!!

The Hedgehog Boogie is already trending on twitter and is the hottest dance since the Whip and Nay Nay.

Go No Phone or Go Home!!!!

http://www.thenophone.com/

Beware House Guests this Christmas Season!!

What do they look like? 

They look like you and me, yet they harbor a deep dark secret. 

You won't know about it until they stay as a guest in your home.  

You might notice the shame in their eyes. You might notice they are rarely hungry, and look disappointed when presented with a delicious meal.  

This addiction is more common than any of us suspect, according to the Serta Quality Control facilities (1 in 100 sheep counters compulsively ingest)

BEWARE:  Someone you know might be a MATTRESS EATER!!!!

Education and cancelled invitations is the best defense!! Do it now before all your Kings turn into Twins!!

Raise Awareness!  Share this sound byte!!!  EAT IT!!

My life has personally been touched by this as I received this email from my XXXX  the other day.

"Dear , im truly sorry, but i got hungry. Dont be surprised when you come home and your matress is gone. Im truly sorry i ate you matress. I hope you understand.     

Much love,

XXXX                                              

Sneak Peek at the TRAILER for JUZILLA!!

Abbey the Brown Tabby didn't know that when she gave birth to July, 

the runt of the litter, that she was gifting the world with a star!!

July plays herself in this trailer for the feature film, "Juzilla!" 

*This is a short film, not a trailer, I meant it was created IN a trailer

Think of a cross between Natural Born Killers, House of a 1,000 Corpses, and When Harry Met Sally. 

And if you CAN imagine such a thing, then you might just be twisted enough to appreciate the genius that is

JUZILLA!!

I hope you are near a bathroom!!

Instant Cure for ALL Problems!!

In just a matter of seconds, you can be free from all your worries, negativity, self-imposed misery, fall-out from horrible life choices, bad karma created through ignorance, angst, or aggression, underflab, acne, unemotional eating, emotional reading, lack of or bad personality, shortcomings, clumsiness, bad luck etc.

This can all be done if you follow these easy steps.  If you are bad at directions, please include that in your exhaustive laundry list labeled:

Now I want you to VISUALEYES all of these problems as dirty laundry!
 Mentally see yourself throwing those wet, dirty, moldy, muddy, nasty clothes in a huge hoarder pile!!  Don't worry about having to mentally clean this all up afterwards, just keep piling it on.

Do you feel done?  Do NOT move on until you are sure that every problem, and a few you didn't know you had but have been told you have, is in that festering landfill of laundry.

Imagine stepping away from the muck- you -made -of -your -life -mountain.  

On the count of  three--you can open your eyes.  

(If your eyes were not closed while reading this, please go back to the beginning--it is imperative these instructions be followed closely)

You should feel lighter, brighter, problem free, all thanks to the makers of

Best Prank Ever!!

I don't recommend this to people that like to play it safe, but if you want to pull off the best prank ever..

Put Ketchup on a red car!

  Imagine the look on the owner's face when they see this!  They will wonder:
1. Did a bird poop something red on my car?
2.Where are the fries?
3.What little prankster pulled off this hilarious prank?

Then you can ask them if they can re-enact their reaction while you film it for youtube!

*the Telepath Telegraph is NOT responsible for any reader's ideas, actions,or other delinquent activity involving condiments

 

Man/Woman vs. Tape--place your bets now!

Conversation Starters for the Socially Challenged

Do you freeze up and get fuddle-tongued when talking to the opposite sex?  Here are some sure fire ways to get a conversation going.

You ask, "Do you believe in unicorns?"
If they say 'yes' you say, "Me too! I saw one once."
If they say ' no ' you still say, "Me too! I saw one once."

Here is another conversation stimulator:

WARNING: contains sexual language and poor taste

You say, "Do you believe the man should pay or should they go Dutch?"
They say, "Yes, definately. "
You say, "Me too!"
If they say no you say, "I think if a woman pays for herself, she should agree to only suck half his dick."

If you have your eyes set on a trophy wife or husband, this script will get you to the finish line at Olympic speed:

You say, "Hi. I might be ugly, but I'm really rich and powerful."
They say, "I'm in."

You say, "Awesome,I have about 10 weddings and a class reunion coming up. You can be my plus one!"
They say, "Awesome, I love wedding chicken."

OR

You say, "Hi. I might be ugly, but I'm really rich and powerful."
They say, "No amount of money could make you appealing."

You say, "See you on the pole bitch." if female,

OR

 "Barbie called, she wants her Ken back--  dick"
if male

So for all you undateables out there, keep these gems in your wallet or purse.
 Practice until you sound natural.
Don't worry if you don't read the script verbatim.
Feel free to improvise.
Most importantly:   DON'T BE YOURSELF !!!!!!! YOU CAN DO THAT LATER ONCE YOU HOOK THEM~~~

More tips and tricks on the way soon!!!!

Right here!!! The ONLY advice you will EVER need

 FULL STORY HERE

http://thenosemilk.com/special/much-aint-enough-words-live/

Come out of the closet and step onto the soccer field!!!!

Fast Food Giant Piloting "McBrains" in States that Rank Lowest for Literacy!

McDonalds sales have been steadily declining making some wonder if Ronald might be hanging up his clown shoes soon. In an effort to revive the company, they are offering McBrains for a limited time only in limited markets. Which markets? In states that consisently score low for literacy.

 It is believed that lack of protein could be the cause of poor reading skills in these areas. It is also a widespread belief that eating brains increases intelligence. No word on where they will be sourcing their brains, but since when do McD frequent fliers question where that tasty food comes from?

 The McBrain meal will include a McBrain sandwich (with or without cheese), special sauce, small fries and a soda. You can  choose if you want grey matter from the right or left hemisphere.

McD Execs joked, "You'll love it! But then, that was a no brainer."

Welcome to the Faux Future!! How to Clone Yourself

We are All Just Virtual Clones of Ourselves 

 (originally published at thenosemilk.com by Diane Keys /artwork by Louis Santarin)

The internet is an amazing invention. It has promoted freedom of expression in large part because of the anonymity it affords. The computer screen is much like the “fourth wall” in theater. The fourth wall is the imaginary one at the front of the stage that creates a boundary between the performers and the audience.

We have all heard of performers who are terrifically shy people, yet they come to life on stage. This is because when they look out into the darkened theater, the audience is not visible. Anonymity makes people bold.

Mostly developed for use in news groups that discuss volatile topics, anonymous posting services didn’t start until around 1988. We live in a largely conservative society and much of what we think is held back due to social constraints. This is even more true now that the world has become hyper-sensitively-absurdly, politically correct.

Anonymity has allowed for much more honest communication. To me, it is similar to the question, “What would you do if you knew you wouldn’t get caught?” Instead it is, “What would you say if you knew the person couldn’t respond back?” We know our internet activities are never completely untraceable, but we can maintain that illusion.

But with this freedom of expression, also comes greater ability for deception. We can be anyone we want online. We can feed people the information we want them to have. We can re-invent ourselves, maintain multiple identities, or pose as celebrities, all in an effort to create better or worse versions, or clones, of ourselves.

All of these personas are still parts of us, but like photocopies, quality degrades when copied from an original. Stolen identity is a big problem motivated by greed, but it seems to me that people are all too eager to SURRENDER their identities in lieu of more appealing or empowering ones. Sounds good to me.

So how DO you clone yourself? Welcome to the faux future. Here are some cloning tools to help you create the artificial life of your dreams without leaving your computer:
1. Grab an identity at one of many identity generating sites. I went to one and this is what it gave me. Within a matter of minutes it generated an entire identity for me, complete with name, address, email, occupation, even blood type!

1. Get a job writing fake reviews. They are all over Craigslist.
2. Get a fake transcript, ID, diploma, credentials
3. Create fake profiles
4. If your loneliness becomes all too real, cure it with a fake pet!

5. If that doesn’t work, get a fake girlfriend at fakeinternetgirlfriend.com According to their website, for just 250 REAL dollars, you can sign up for their basic girlfriend package (you can upgrade for a Gamer Girlfriend, but that costs more).

This service will create a profile for your fake girlfriend to publicly communicate with you via social media. They say she will make two public phone calls a month, in which messages will be left with a REAL person in your life or on voice mail. You will also receive 10 friendly texts a month at any given date and time you specify. Think of it as a fake escort service without the sex.

Jinsoo An of Kokiri Lab, has invented a virtual reality headset that uses low calorie jelly-like foods, and aroma diffusion to mimic foods. The smell of the food convinces the brain that you are eating the real thing such as steak, lasagna, pie, sushi, etc.

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Fake is the way to go in a world that would rather people pursue fantasies than deal with reality. The reality is, people don't need all the millions of products they try to sell us. The reality is that the endless pursuit of fame, wealth, youth, and beauty is not the path to happiness. If this was the case, all the rich and famous would be case studies in how to achieve nirvana.  Reality can be harsh. Fantasy allows people to create a world that is less rough around the edges, more palatable, and certainly more fun. Fun until you realize that it is all fake.

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This is Bigger than the Kentucky Derby!!!