BEWARE THE COHH!!

A band of 'watchers' have been seen peering into the center of peoples' heads. They attempt to hack your crown chakra by persuading you to eat junk food, copious amount of sugar and caffeine. 

Just say No

This thins the outer layer of your aura and creates a small access point the size of a human hair.

If you find yourself thinking thoughts and saying words that are not your own like "Basta!" "Cantankerous" "Open the Winder".

The only way to keep these artificial intelligence from hacking the center of your head and stirring it up like a cotton candy machine is to avoid junk food, sugar, caffeine, and annoying words.

Other elixirs are shampoos containing tar, sandalwood, tea tree oil, blackberry, and wearing ugly hats.

If you feel like your head is spinning like a gravitron then you have probably been violated by the COHH! (center of head hackers)

Awareness if the first step and don't fall for one of their many ploys like "but I'll keep you company and make you smarter and more interesting". 

Better to be boring and own the center of your head. Don't sing "Eye of the Tiger" for days on end in your head!

Awareness is the best tool. Politely asking them to leave will NOT work! Watchers do NOT take hints!

They look like this-humanoid yet shadowy. They have the distinct smell of bacon and chocolate cake.

Fight the COHH HEAD INVASION!  

They are worse than Japanese Beetles!!

(You've been warned. An educated populous is a safer populous)

Instant Cure for ALL Problems!!

In just a matter of seconds, you can be free from all your worries, negativity, self-imposed misery, fall-out from horrible life choices, bad karma created through ignorance, angst, or aggression, underflab, acne, unemotional eating, emotional reading, lack of or bad personality, shortcomings, clumsiness, bad luck etc.

This can all be done if you follow these easy steps.  If you are bad at directions, please include that in your exhaustive laundry list labeled:

Now I want you to VISUALEYES all of these problems as dirty laundry!
 Mentally see yourself throwing those wet, dirty, moldy, muddy, nasty clothes in a huge hoarder pile!!  Don't worry about having to mentally clean this all up afterwards, just keep piling it on.

Do you feel done?  Do NOT move on until you are sure that every problem, and a few you didn't know you had but have been told you have, is in that festering landfill of laundry.

Imagine stepping away from the muck- you -made -of -your -life -mountain.  

On the count of  three--you can open your eyes.  

(If your eyes were not closed while reading this, please go back to the beginning--it is imperative these instructions be followed closely)

You should feel lighter, brighter, problem free, all thanks to the makers of

Single? Lonely? Not As Much As You Think!

Psychics have been asked for centuries, "When will I meet THE one?" Many psychics assure them that there is someone for everyone and that they will definately NOT be alone.

Months and months go by and they have not found anyone special.  

How do you tell them the truth?

By truth I do NOT mean that they are destined to be alone!!!

The TRUTH is that quite often someone who is 'single' is actually in a relationship with a being on another planet!!

Mr. & Mrs Right ? Travel through white light?

9 out of 10 times this is the case. Often these are very sacred relationships that may or may not involve actual marriage, depending on the laws of their home planet.

But Some people continue to be caught in the trap of picking the 'bad boys' or 'bad girls' , but the appeal is a LOT harder to  find.

Bad News--Bust Out E.T. Loser

How to know if you are dating an E.T.? 

1. You have never been married and have no kids
2. Your skin glows a light shade of green under black light
3. You wake up in the middle of the night, often at one hour intervals
4. You sometimes wake up feeling a deep connection to someone you dreamed about 
5. you sometimes feel pregnant when you know you aren't

 These COULD be your inlaws!But don't worry--star inlaws tend to give people their space.

What does this also mean? Yes, you most likely have MULTIPLE children on your true loves' planet!This is in part so that the children have dual-citizenship.

Mom?

WARNING:  The following photos MAY trigger memories that you may not be ready to deal with.

 If you have a strong reaction to any of these images, you are probably a CPS: Cross-Planetary Spouse.

(Hetero and Homosexual are not categories recognized by most other androgynous planets)

Lunchtime Rendevous

I really don't know what i did wrong!

Sweeps you off your feet

Looks at you with those intense eyes

So what do you tell friends and family? Just tell them you are in a long distance relationship with someone who travels a lot.

Your partner most likely has shapeshifting abilities, so can take human form when neccesary, but they tend to be shy around humans.

So check that 'in a relationship' box on Facebook and have a happily ever after!

Are you a poltergeist baby? Take this Quiz and find out

If you've always felt different, had a lot of psychic experiences, particularly as a child, you might have been a poltergeist child.

 Take this quiz to find out for sure:
1. has green always been your favorite color?
2. Do you have a strong, almost obsessive, affinity for cats?
3. Have you always wondered if your parents were your real parents?
4. Do you have deja vu often?
5. have you watched the matrix several times?
6. Do you like tapioca and butterscotch pudding?
7. do you believe in aliens?
8. Do you feel 'watched'?
9. have orbs ever appeared in your photos/
10. Have you always thought you could move objects with your mind if you really tried?

if you answered yes to 5 or more of these questions, and can read and say this word that only PBs will see Kinninegan, you are probably a PB.

 What does this mean? It means you came to earth through mysterious portals other than traditional birth. Your body was born, but your soul entered it hours later by non-traditional and supernatural means. 

You are more elecrically charged than other people, so you may stop watches, stop lights, fling ojects, tweek electronics, spook people and animals, and shatter glass. You also have strong telekinetic powers.

You also have the ability to enter other people's bodies and affect what they do. 

 Use the force wisely and avoid watching horror movies as you could be sucked into the television portal and become trapped.

The only way to escape a t.v. is if someone who sees ghosts, knows and says this ritual prayer taken from the Odeliskos Veritois, which is written in Althuric--a combination of latin and Althurian:

Hal tki onthil thii 
calinoot κίνησις
  sfolmur
wopeva sipirtsus 
 ψυχήτῆλε
 κίνησι

This MUST be performed on a waning red moon.

PBabies are also genetic, so you might have a PG baby!   Give birth with caution and do NOT make them mad!!!
 


 What was the 'secret' word again?

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THIS COULD BE YOU!

Chics may not like rugs, but they sure do love carpets!!!!

YOU literally riding into the sunset

 
If you buy now, you will receive one year of FREE steam cleaning service. 

These won't last long-they are imported from Monaco by Max Shellman, Agent to the Stars

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Psychics Rearrange the U.S. Map!!

Spooks Psychic Cafe Busted for Hiring Illegal Aliens!!

Spooks Psychic Cafe, in Havant, Hampshire, is embroiled in scandal once again.  

 

Spooks' owner, known only as Z, first made the news when the grammar police (the retired English teachers at the yarn shop) complained that their sign promoted bad grammar and reflected badly on the neighborhood.  

 

Lovely Cotton Brain created by the Havant Competitive Knitters Association

 

 

 

The elderly women at "The Knitpik" demanded the sign be written correctly for fear the spookers were promoting illiteracy. (I personally find it a bit hypocritical, given the misspelling of Knitpik, but that's neither here nor scare.) 

Z told reporters, "I will NOT be bullied into using an apostrophe. They indicate possessiveness, and we do not get involved in possession of any kind."   

 

 

But what DO they get involved in at this unusual cafe? 

 

https://sites.google.com/site/witchumum/home

 

Here is what their menu says:

 

  MENU

We first opened for business in XXXX and have been serving Havant ever since.

We offer many kinds of food, such as X, and larger dishes such as Y.

Why not stop by and give them a try?

The matter with the knitpikers resolved brilliantly once they tasted Spooks incredible HL Tea. They passed on the tarot and decided it was best not to inquire about the ingredients of HL Tea.  

Yet, Spooks faces a new problem. Z is being investigated for allegedly hiring illegal aliens. It is rumored, her very psychic workers, are undocumented greys who slipped through the BardoLand Border.  

Many visitors to the cafe were shocked to hear this as they couldn't believe they served food!

 

 It is rumored that this one-time patron met with untold misfortune after giving this 1 star review:

 

What Charlie didn't realize apparently, was that had he gone through the black velvet curtains in the back of the cafe marked "Our Food is to Die For!!," he would have been served a heaping helping of X or Y by Z!   

Only psychic people and/or victims of government mind control  are able to find the velvet curtain for some reason.  Others get scammed out of their pounds and have implants put in their heads without their knowledge.  

 

 

 The cafe has been accused of exploiting the grey aliens with long hours and low pay. Z provided evidence showing that she does NOT in fact PAY the big-eyed busboys,waitstaff, cooks, and surgical techs. 

 

 The illegals work on a volunteer basis in exchange for human implantation privileges.  Long hours are also not a problem as they require no sleep. 

 

   It appears that Spooks Psychic Cafe will once again dodge a bullet. Business has been better than ever since they introduced their Tea, Tarot, Time Travel, and Tamale special.

Psychic High School Now Enrolling for Fall!

We receive LITERALLY 100s of applications a year, so it's best to apply early. 3 recommendations are not mandatory, but could give you an edge.  Please complete fully in a number 87 pen. Good luck! So Mode it Be!

Questions about Money? Love? Career? Psychics are Laying Down Waiting to take your calls!

Talk to a LIVE psychic now!!!

We are NOT a hotline as we hire only the best, most carefully screened psychic readers in the business.  

The Psychic Feline Network is your one-stop shopping source for all your supernatural needs. 

 The ancient Egyptians believed cats were magical, and even if by accident, anyone who killed a cat was sentenced to death. 

Cats were dressed in jewels, fed like royalty, and were mummified when they died. As a sign of mourning in Ancient Egypt, owners would shave off their eyebrows and mourn until they grew back!

Bastet--an Egyptian Goddess who could transform into a cat

 What does this have to do with your crazy ex? your desire to know when and where you will meet that special someone? Not much, but this shit is interesting right?

Since Arab Spring, looters have been digging up Egypt's most treasured artifacts and selling them on the black market. Among the valuable finds, were mummified cats. 

(Don't  worry-we are getting to the part that relates to you and how we are the BEST place to go for help)
 
 After robbing them of their gold jewelry, the thieves had no use for the stiff cats. That's when PETMEC (People for the Ethical Treatment of Mummified Egyptian Cats) stepped in. 
 
PETMEC Animal Rescue was created and the dusty darlings were placed in foster homes around the world. They have all found  permanent homes in the largest cat mummy temple in the world! (undisclosed location for security reasons) 

Cat Mummy First Century AD

According to Egyptian mythology, gods and goddesses had the power to transform themselves into different animals. But only ONE deity had the power to become a cat-- Goddess Bastet.

Through sophisticated DNA testing of the mummies at Ancestry.com, it was determined that a freakishly psychic feral cat colony in Chicago were direct descendents of Bastet!

We are lucky to employ these amazing feline royals!

 The Bastet cats are highly accurate, attentive, and wise beyond their ears!  Call now at 1-900-PSI-CATZ   First Time Callers first 5 meownutes free!  $1.50/min 
 fees and taxes may apply
 *All profits go to the PETMEC rescue

*Do  you believe your cat has magical powers? Does he/she come running BEFORE you even open the can? You might just have a descendent of Bastet! We are always looking for readers. If interested, please submit a DNA sample 

Psychic High School Enrolling Now!!

In addition to my tireless efforts running and publishing The Telepath Telegraph, I am also a graduate and adjunct Professor Emeritus at the prestigious Psychic High School. PsyHigh is an interdimensional boarding school devoted to the cultivating of clairvoyants, mediums , remote viewers, astral projectors, etc. It is NOTHING like the Hollywood Potterized version of these types of mystery schools. For more info on how to enroll, visit http://psyhigh.com/about.php You might regret it, but you will be having too much fun to care

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