Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Napping Students Robbed!
Southern Illinois University is hosting "nap-ins" for their tender students to feel safe from racism and sexism.
SIU students are being urged to sleep and dream of diversity.
Unfortunately, some other students are interested in becoming one of their nightmares.
A group of, what appears to be 4 males and 1 female, has been allegedly entering the nap zone with less altruistic intentions.
They often carry teddy bears, and wear Pink Panther onesies to avoid their fascist capitalistic desires being detected.
It is believed they pulled off this caper, by studying the brain waves of napping students virtually from the science lab. The panthers were able to determine when everyone was in REM sleep.
Security cameras confirmed the assailants were not carrying any weapons except, perhaps, their long pink tails. If someone roused, they just misted lavender in the air.
They were able to rifle through backpacks, coats, and even wallets from heavy sleepers.
It is believed they got away with over $6,000 worth of nappers' belongings.
They have not been caught and there are no suspects at this time.
If you have any information about the Pink Panther 5, please call SIU Campus Security.