Napping Students Robbed!

Southern Illinois University is hosting "nap-ins" for their tender students to feel safe from racism and sexism.

Nappers Beware

 SIU students are being urged to sleep and dream of diversity.

Unfortunately, some other students are interested in becoming one of their nightmares.

A group of, what appears to be 4 males and 1 female, has been allegedly entering the nap zone with less altruistic intentions. 

They often carry teddy bears, and wear Pink Panther onesies to avoid their fascist capitalistic desires being detected.

It is believed they pulled off this caper, by studying the brain waves of napping students  virtually from the science lab. The panthers were able to determine when everyone was in REM sleep.

Security cameras confirmed the  assailants were not carrying any weapons except, perhaps,  their long pink tails. If someone roused, they just misted lavender in the air.

They were able to rifle through backpacks, coats, and even wallets from heavy sleepers. 

It is believed they got away with over $6,000  worth of nappers' belongings. 

They have not been caught and there are no suspects at this time. 

If you have any information about the Pink Panther 5, please call SIU Campus Security.

New Word Hits Dictionary!!

Scientists struggled to come up with a name for the observed geological phenomenon of lava meeting the ocean.

After holding a contest in which the winner gets a 5 lb bag of lava rocks and a certificate, they struggled to narrow it down to these top 10 submissions:

1.  LICE  (Top Contender) --as in Lava plus icy ocean --
or LICEY  -sounds cute and has cartoon animation potential
2.  Burn in Hello
3. MoltenWave
4. Mr. HotCold
5. Trump's Anus
6. Firewater
6. Brimstone
6. Hellfire
7. WetBlanket
8. FireSurf
9. LavaSpa
10. Killwave

The committee had to be unanimous and were a vote away from making Phil Trapp III the winner with his "Lice" contest entry. 

The holdout convinced them that too much explanation was required and they didn't want anyone confusing the  U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration with the CDC.

So, they finally chose a winner. The official name for lava meeting ocean is???

JEROME!!!!

It was named after the wonderful man who brought them coffee and moist towelettes until 3am.

Congrats Jerome! You are now a force of nature!!

They even gave him a $25 gift card to Ace Hardware in lieu of the lava rocks he declined. 

The fame from his win gave him the courage to run for Janitor of the Year!!!

Vote for Jerome!!

(text "moist towelette" to 89779")

Threesomes aren't All They are Cracked up to Be!!

Read the full article here:

http://thenosemilk.com/special/commit-friend-suicide/

The Next Logical Step for Multi-tasking is Cloning

Featured News Writer David Stafford Broke This Story before it was picked up by major news outlets

Researchers Studying Eye Abnormalities

Researchers have identified unusual mutations in the eyes of people who look through rose colored glasses.

 

 Not only do their eyes dialate more when looking at beautiful things like flowers, but a slight color variation can be measured.

Subjects with the rose filter, had a slight transluscent glow around the edges of their cornea. This appears to be a mutation among a small percentage of the population.

 It has a disturbing effect on iris scanners, which are already used widely in the Rusondti Region.

 "Rosies" were able to DISABLE the machines by frying the circuits. Researchers can only guess that this was due to the rose rays reacting to the ultralloy in the scanners.






 The technical term for "Rosies" is HyperacuteBiologenisis, named after the scientist who first discovered it, Dr. Hypera of Tiudskil, Poland.

 There were similar findings in a group of test subjects chosen because they self-identified (and it was confirmed by family and friends) people with 'stars in their eyes'.

 It turns out that the 'stars' are actually lenses. It does not appear that they are implanted as they all report having certain abilities all of their lives.

The lenses work almost like cameras that give them photographic memories, image storage capability, and night vision.

The eyes of the "starries" are not unlike the reflector feature of cats' eyes.

 The starries have no problem looking directly at the sun and eclipses. Under a microscope, their eyes can be seen changing from red to blue. Their intense gaze caused seizures in epileptics, but no other dangers were reported.



 

 The technical name for Starries is Astrolumenoptica. Scientists want to ensure the public that there is NO connection between these conditions and the recent outbreak of reptilian eye believed to be an airborne illness contracted in swampy areas.


 


If you think you might have either condition, please contact

 THE CENTER FOR EYE ANOMALIES AND GENETIC MUTATION EXPERIMENTATION (TCFEAAGME--TCFEAA for short)

Man's Best Drug

FULL STORY HERE: http://thenosemilk.com/special/mans-best-drug/dd caption

Are You in Good Shape? The Geometry of Fitness

Are you an hourglass, but what to be an oval? Are you a diamond, but want to be a rectangle? Or do you want to be a circle in front, but a pear in back?

Walking, carrying, lifting, pressing, caressing these different shapes in varying weights can help you sculpt your body into your desired form! 

 Whether you want to morph into another shape like this:

 

 or you'd rather be more WildeBeest and less Giraffe

If you feel your shape has become mishapen into the WRONG shape  like this:

You can take control and become a sculptor like Michelangelo with GeoShape Total Body Sculpting System !

 Our software will devise the perfect daily 2 hour GeoShape workout for your specific shape goals!

With our advanced GeoShape Vertex system, you could even turn yourself into this series of complex intersecting shapes like this: 

The possibilities are endless, not to mention senseless!!

Don't Delay--Become a New Shape Today!

50 year Old Bacteria Found Under Hippie Van!!

Scientist have discovered a rare strain of bacteria called "Euphoriabia Susiformis" under an abandoned 50 year old hippie van. It is showing promise at fighting against pathogenic strains of gram. It is also a very effective rusting agent for crafters wanting the 'Old West' look.

The Van itself IS for sale. Interested buyers and van enthusiasts can visit http://jalopnik.com/5816598/the-ten-creepiest-vans/ for more info.

Rare Photos Taken on Surface of Pur Polaria

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

 "The
Purple Planet" (Pur Polaria) is an Earth-like planet believed to be capable of supporting life. Pur Polaria got its' name from the purple bacteria (photosynthetic microorganism to be exact) on its' surface, observed from space by  astrophysicists.

In the early stages of discovery, it was believed Pur Polaria was merely filled with distinctive spectroscopic forests of fungi. In spite of its' beautiful color, little interest was generated in this particular Exoplanet.

 It was originally recorded that the planet aimlessly orbited rocky, bland colored stars. But interest spiked and popular myths abounded after Dr. Ian O'Neill wrote an article entitled: 

The First Aliens We Discover May Be Purple

Intense investigations focused on the purple planet in hopes of finding either one-eyed, one-horned, or flying purple people eaters. Did Pur Polaria have the needed  Earth-like dimensions? Did it  orbit a sun-like rocky yet bland colored star? Apparently yes, but their sun appeared to be dying as evidenced by this astonishing photo:

.

Among the violet microbial mats between the Archean Earths, amateur and professional astronomers alike were able to identify entire  tribes of man-beasts! (Photo below:)

 With the use of radiative transfer modalities, they captured this shocking photo of a planet that has clearly become a combat zone. They estimate Pur Polaria has been plagued by endless internal war  for over 100 years. ( The photo belows shows evidence of mass graves and high tech weaponry damage to the planet's crust):

 There is much debate over this next rare photo. Many well-respected astrophysicists believe this is an encrypted message from the man-beasts. Is it a call for help? request for directions? is it literal? figurative? :

More will be known when cryptologic linguists investigate further. Scientists are also questioning if  Prince might be a PurPolarian messenger of some kind.

Is Your Life Out of Tune? Harmonize Your Thoughts!

"This software has changed my life!"

That's what people are saying about the new offering from the mega corporation, Brown Mega™--Introducing the Thought-o-Tune™! This easy to use device can make all of your thoughts look and sound perfect!  Can you imagine all those chaotic thoughts swirling around in perfect harmony? 

  Scientists at the Brown Mega Research Labs™ (a top secret branch of the mega corp.) have completed clinical trials of the device and are ready to release it to the public on a limited basis.

 Inventor, mail artist, and graduate of the esteemed Brown Mega Corporation Knowledge University™, Thomas Brown, has this to say about how this revolutionary product came about, "I have always been driven by my quest for self improvement and societal betterment."

 Dr. Brown showed me a picture on his corkboard that was his inspiration:

 The reclusive and admittedly eccentric Dr. Brown went on to say, "My target customers are typically artists seeking total artworld domination. It hasn't really taken off until now, I think, because users don't want to let the secret out of the bag. They don't want to create competition for themselves, but it's too late!! Meowwww!"

For a more mainstream accessible product among the art elite/outsider video game enthusiast, Mega Brown™ has also created Brown Megasoft™ Simulated Artist Software Game. I think the title need a bit of work to actually make sense, but who needs sense when you're making bank?

 They also make dream recreation software so you can watch your dreams over and over again. Dr. Brown was pretty tight lipped about that as it is not yet released, or named for that matter. He said they are considering "DreamJa Vu"™.

When I asked Dr. Brown what we can look for in the future he said, "My two big projects are Brainternet™ with Thinkyfee™, which will allow users to send messages directly from brain to brain and access the internet directly from their mind...and global compassion, which will allow all to understand the life situations of all. I don't think that one (the latter) will be ready any time soon, but I am working on it."

All of these projects are generously funded by the same mega corp, Brown Mega™. Dr. Brown denies having a problem with them taking 95% of the profits.

For more info or to order YOUR Thought-O-Tune, please contact MegaBrownCorp™@megabrowncorp™.com