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Monday, January 22, 2018

26 Reasons You Want to Go to Jail in Norway


Norwegian maximum-security prisons are being called "cushy", "luxurious" and "like camp". Inmates are free to roam outdoor gardens, cook in fully stocked kitchens, enjoy the flat-screen televisions, mini-fridges and computers in each cell. 



They have access to a rock climbing wall, recording studio and other amenities rivaling an expensive American hotel. Murder? Rape? Bombing? your punishment is to fish and great a great tan on our beach! 

1.Prison riots involve playful pillow fights

2.Low recidivism rate of Norwegian inmates raises odds of American tourists getting off the waitlist

3.Get henna tattoos

4.Get in the best shape of your life without country club fees

5.Launder your high thread count sheets and thirsty towels

6.Demand heated toilet seats be fixed on feedback forms

7.Leave prison with more career skills than an Ivy League graduate

8.Lockdown means the snack cabinet is padlocked after 9pm

9.The only handcuffs are fuzzy ones in the romantic getaway chalet

10.Rigorous schedule for rapists to practice consensual sex

11.The only penalties are breaking a pinky swear

12.Audition for prison plays like “Jailhouse Rock” and “West Side Story”

13.Earn merit badges for serving soft time

14.No need to join, you're already one of the gang

15.Soap on a rope is Coconut Salt Scrub and an exfoliating body brush

16.Climb walls for fun without risk of rope burn from escape attempts

17.Kids go home after visits giving you time to catch up on reading

18.Get dessert if you eat all of your broccoli

19.Fishing, swimming and laying on the beach gives you plenty of time to think about what you’ve done

20.Earn privileges by saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’

21.No gangs just teams on game night

22.Airbnb your room to people trying to break in

23.The only life sentences are the ones you solve on Wheel of Fortune

24.Bed checks have turndown service

25.The only weapons are irresistible charm and pouting

26.Get great selfies while having tea in the garden

27.Attend festive going away parties on release dates

28.Receive parting gifts like a t-shirt that says “I survived maximum-security prison and I can make a mean souffle!”

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Pumpkin Man Imposter in Chicago!!



Someone posing as the viral sensation known as #dancingpumpkinman  danced his way into the arms of the security guard as he kicked him out of the local library.

This didn't stop him. He was determined to follow in his mentor's absurd footsteps.

When asked by the homeless man he performed for what he was doing, he gave a nod to his pumpkin mentor, "To spread the love of dance."

Love him. Hate him. Call the video "Cancerous content" or not, this guy has balls the size of pumpkins and anyone that doesn't appreciate that should not go to the library next year.

The original dancing pumpkin (  https://youtu.be/v4IC7qaNr7I )has not commented on his Chicago Disciple, but I bet behind his pumpkin head he is smiling and cringing just a little.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Always Source your Facebook Posts!


It is very important to back up your status updates with data, statistics, facts, sources, references, and supporting evidence.





American Psychological Association (APA):
fuck you. (n.d.). The Dictionary of American Slang. Retrieved July 27, 2017 from Dictionary.com website http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you
Chicago Manual Style (CMS):
fuck you. Dictionary.com. The Dictionary of American Slanghttp://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you (accessed: July 27, 2017).
Modern Language Association (MLA):
"fuck you". The Dictionary of American Slang. 27 Jul. 2017. <Dictionary.com http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you>.
Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers (IEEE):
Dictionary.com "fuck you," in The Dictionary of American Slang. Source location: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you. Available: http://www.dictionary.com/. Accessed: July 27, 2017.
BibTeX Bibliography Style (BibTeX)
@article {Dictionary.com2017,
    title = {The Dictionary of American Slang},
    month = {Jul},
    day = {27},
    year = {2017},
    url = {http://www.dictionary.com/browse/fuck-you},
}

Monday, July 24, 2017

Racist Rant!

This is a dramatic reading 
of a racist rant of a
14 year old
teen we are calling 
"Fuck 12"
"Fuck all races"


*The opinions expressed are not 
those of #TheTelepathTelegraph, 
nor do we condone them;
however in the spirit of full disclosure,
we do find Fuck 12 amusing. 

Saturday, May 20, 2017

World's Smartest Cat Discovered


"Brainy McBrainerstein" has set the World's Record for the cat with the highest IQ.

His proud owners attribute it to playing classical music while he was in utero, playing Baby Cat Einstein on a loop, and a pure vegan diet.



Brainy is able to solve complicated  problems and fill in the bubbles by dipping his tail in #2 ink, like his ancient ancestors.

The IQ test was minimally adapted:

"You are being chased by a dog running 5 miles an hour. 
You need to stop and lick your butt. How long will it take the dog to eat you?"

"Write an essay on something that makes you purr."







Brainy does his owners' taxes, predicts weather, trades stocks and bonds, writes cursive, calligraphy, and can pinpoint the catnip in  100 mile radius. 

He calculates everything based on  complex algorithms he developed with


Zuckerberg's cat. 

On a side note, "Little Fuckerberg"  had a facebook page that was reported (by an anonymouse source) and taken down for not having a verifiable name.



B McB  predicts human beings will be extinct by the year 3000,  by which he will have achieved immortality 9 times over.


Brainy McBrainerstein  in action!!!

He will be going live on instagram every Monday from 2 -3 feline time, and taking questions!!



Get the Big Black Weiner while supplies last!